Isaac Amend

The trans identity has been written about extensively from a political perspective. Many columns in the Blade, and other outlets, speak of gender ID laws, barriers in trans healthcare, pronouns, trans representation in state legislatures and eventually Congress, and the legality of offering trans children hormone blockers, among other treatments. 

While speaking of politics can be good, it’s equally important to understand trans lives from the perspective of someone with a social work degree — or, in other words, from an emotional and therapeutic perspective. 

Trans people, simply put, face many emotional barriers in life that others usually don’t have to encounter. Let me list several here. I don’t have an MSW, but will try my best to articulate these problems in detail. 

First and foremost, trans people face lots of change: change in personality, change in appearance, change in passing versus not passing. Whether we like it or not, change invariably means that we have to act differently in the environments that surround us, and when we change as people, we also have to change our behavior and relationships with others. I like to tell friends this saying: “Change is inherently uncomfortable, and change is painful. Moving from one place in life to another means there is lots of growth, but also room for lots of loneliness when you have reached a new personal destination.” 

As someone who changed from being a cis female to a man who fully passes as one — and never gets mistaken as trans — this transformation invariably affected my relationships with others. Suddenly, I was expected to make friends with other cis men, some straight, and forming these new relationships took lots of work and necessitated more personal growth. While change can be good, it is also hard, and few others know what it feels like to have to shuffle friendships. 

The second emotional barrier trans people face is one that is almost instantly recognizable: our love lives. To be very frank, trans men often go from being an object of sexual desire, as cis females, to being men who repulse many people away. Others view our bodies as disgusting and something to avoid. Many lesbians like to avoid trans men and think that sleeping with us is some form of betrayal to their own community. If trans men are interested in men, we face the problem of wanting to sleep with people who statistically assault us more, and can be violent and degrading to our bodies. Trans people also sleep with people who want to keep our dalliances secret, which shames us into thinking that our bodies are not something to be proud of, but rather monstrous things that can only exist underneath the sheets, and not outside of bedroom doors. 

The third emotional hurdle trans people face is that of passing: some of us pass extremely well, but others don’t. There is conflict within the trans community between those who pass and those who don’t. Some in the community view passing as another sign of betrayal to those of our own kin: trans men who pass fully as men are often excluded from queer events or groups. Cis people might think that it’s a choice for us to pass well, when in reality passing is often a result of genetics, as people with thicker jaw lines and more muscle can naturally adopt the other gender better. Passing is a source of envy and jealousy, and ignites fault lines within our community, when in reality, we need less rupture in our community in order to survive as one whole group. 

The fourth emotional obstacle trans people face is job security, and managing emotions in the workplace. As a transman who passes well and is never mistaken for gender nonconforming, I can say firsthand that it is easy to never have to talk about being trans at a job. In fact, it usually serves us well to not talk about our transness in career settings, as gender variance is something that cruelly detracts from our career prospects, and rarely adds to career growth. Unfortunately, most workplaces are laden with colleagues — usually male, and usually older — who are transphobic to some extent. Navigating these difficult relationships requires a lot of emotional labor that can otherwise be put into finishing memos, leading meetings, and scaling the corporate ladder. But instead, we’re left to fight old crusty men in cubicles. 

There are many more emotional hurdles we face, which can be described in other columns. As stated, it is critical to understand trans lives through an emotional lens, comprehending the difficult feelings we face with friendships, romantic relationships, and other facets of daily existence. 

Isaac Amend (he/him/his) is a trans man and young professional in the D.C. area. He was featured on National Geographic’s ‘Gender Revolution’ in 2017 as a student at Yale University. Amend is also on the board of the LGBT Democrats of Virginia. Find him on Instagram @isaacamend.

In the tail end of National Geographic’s “Gender Revolution” documentary, Katie Couric interviews Hari Nef, a trans model. Hari Nef is a beautiful trans woman, who has debuted at New York Fashion Week and acted in the TV show “Transparent.” 

“So what are you hoping the future will bring,” Couric asks Hari. 

Hari says,“I want a gender chill future. I want a community, a society, a world, that just chills out. About the freaking gender thing!”

Hari Nef couldn’t be further from the truth. 

The more we expect young people to conform to a male or female, the worse their mental health will be. 

Society’s obsession with gender reinforces the notion that gender is some intrusive, ubiquitous, significant force in children’s lives that should dictate their every move and influence their world views. The more we impress gender as an outsized influence in children’s lives, the more harmful it becomes in their brains. 

In reality, gender actually shouldn’t matter that much—if at all. The notion that there is “feminine” clothing and “masculine” clothing is slowly becoming outdated, as more women wear suits to party functions, as more men wear earrings and get manicures, and as more people come out as nonbinary. 

There’s nothing inherent about being transgender that makes trans folk suicidal. What instead makes trans folk suicidal is society’s weird fetish with gender and the massive influence it has on our lives, starting when we’re just kids. Society has taught many people that being transgender is some strange anomaly and fluke of nature, when in reality having feelings of gender nonconformity is actually quite normal and abundant among the population, and has existed since the beginning of time. 

Trans people have existed since inception. In the 4th century AD, a Roman priestess was found in North Yorkshire. She was born male but took on a female role as a priestess to the goddess Cybele. Buried artifacts revealed she was trans. 

In the 18th century, Chevalierr d’Eon was a transwoman who was a French spy and diplomat, having fought in the Seven Years War. Chevalier d’Eon lived a decorated life and snooped on Russian forces. 

During the Civil War, a Union soldier named Albert Cashier was originally born a woman. Albert lived as a man until his death and was buried with military honors. 

In current society, the Fa’afafine are a third gender in Samoa. Born as men, they traditionally veer toward effeminate appearance and style. The Fa’afaine community, deemed a third category of sex, allow individuals to explore their femininity without being persecuted by Samoan law. 

Unfortunately, some Americans tend to forget that being trans is a natural thing. It’s going to take a lot more activism to arrive in a post-gender world. While the Republican Party tramples on trans kids and prevents trans people from participating in sports, LGBT folk are forced to fight back and speak about their gender, almost nonstop—just in an effort to exist. 

Separating the world into two gender binaries—male and female—is extremely harmful for the human brain to handle. 

Living in a post-gender society means that one’s gender identity will be a casual topic of conversation with a friend—and not something that tears one apart from their family. Living in a post-gender society means we’ll do away with toxic gender reveal parties. Living in a post-gender society means all employees will use pronouns in their email signatures without second thought. 

In the 1950s, policemen across America punished men for dressing like women and even sent them to jail for this reason. Now American society is slightly decent enough not to do this (although police still victimize trans women). 

In the 1950s, the U.S. government outed and fired people for being gay, let alone trans. Now American society is decent enough not to do this. 

In the 2020s, the GOP is harassing poor trans youth who want nothing more than to not be bullied at school. 

Fifty years from now, in what ways will we be more decent as a society? What issues will we look back on in 2020 with disdain? 

The entire notion of male and female might be a good starting point.

Isaac Amend (he/him/his) is a transgender man and young professional in the D.C. area. He was featured on National Geographic’s ‘Gender Revolution’ in 2017 as a student at Yale University. Isaac is also on the board of the LGBT Democrats of Virginia. Find him on Instagram @isaacamend.

Lately, there has been a wave of online commentators who mock nonbinary people. Bloggers, TikTokers, and other posters make fun of an entire population of well-meaning people who lie somewhere “in the middle” of the gender spectrum. 

On TikTok, @feelinmiz2.0 does a mocking dance in a fake doctor’s suit, stating “Notice how the Pr0n0uns in your bio do not alter your genitals.” In July 2020, Elon Musk tweeted “pronouns suck.” In September 2020, Canadian commentator Debra Soh wrote an article titled “How the Nonbinary Trend Hurts Those with Real Gender Dysphoria.” 

Defamation of nonbinary people is everywhere in the media. 

Nonbinary people, born either biologically male or female, don’t feel like they are female, but they also don’t feel male. Some nonbinary people feel more “masculine” than others, while other nonbinary people feel more “feminine.” Other nonbinary people feel like there is no spectrum at all, and that there are infinite genders, just as there are infinite ways to be a person. 

Nonbinary people generally face many more obstacles than individuals who choose to fall on the binary, as either male or female. For instance, they can be in a constant battle against society to “pass” — or appear as either gender. Choosing clothes and a style of presentation that is androgynous or mixed, they can be misgendered all the time. Nonbinary people can also struggle with what gender marker to use on passports or driver’s licenses. 

Additionally, individuals who do not pass as either male or female have a harder time finding employment. Research from the U.S. Census Bureau found that the unemployment rate among transgender workers is two to three times higher than the U.S workforce.

Now that “nonbinary” has come into the public consciousness, and entered the public discourse, many cisgender people feel threatened, or scared, of nonbinary. Even in my personal life, I run into close friends who laugh at the first mention of nonbinary. It seems to be a typical reaction: chuckle at how silly the idea feels. Sometimes, these people are progressives, and they have liberal views. But they still don’t understand nonbinary. 

The general public seems to understand binary transgender people a lot better — people who fall as either male (transman) or female (transwoman). This is because our way of presenting falls in line with theirs. 

The moment our way of presenting falls out of line, and the moment we question the cisgender world view, the public starts to laugh. 

There is some pretty simple logic behind accepting nonbinary people as valid: 

• If you were color blind, and could only see black and white, you would not state that people who saw colors did not exist. 

• If you were a straight man, and only liked women, you would not question that gay men existed. 

• If you were dyslexic, and had a difficult time reading words, you would not question that other people had an easier time reading words. 

• If you grew up cisgender, and there were people — thousands of them — who said they did not feel like either gender, why would you decide to suddenly mock them? What bearing does it have on your life? 

• If you have laughed at nonbinary people, do us a favor and be quiet. I have three words for you: Leave. Them. Alone. 

Laugh at other things, like how there was a fly on Mike Pence’s head during a national debate, or how chihuahuas are hilarious creatures when they’re angry. Just don’t laugh at us. 

CLARIFICATION: An earlier version of this piece included a reference to an article titled “Why I Will Not Be Using Your Preferred Pronouns” in The North Coast Journal. That piece was satirical. The Blade regrets the confusion.

Isaac Amend (he/him/his) is a transgender man and young professional in the D.C. area. He was featured on National Geographic’s ‘Gender Revolution’ documentary in 2017 as a student at Yale University. Isaac is also on the board of the LGBT Democrats of Virginia, @isaacamend.