Matthias Walsh

Features/ Top Stories/ Transgender / Transsexual

How to know if you are non-binary

Matthias Walsh July 3, 2022

Most people identify as male or female, but others don’t feel they fit into a fixed gender category. For instance, you or someone you know might feel somewhere “in-between” a man or a woman or beyond the gender spectrum altogether.

If you feel like you don’t belong within a certain category, you might be non-binary. But how do you know for sure? Read on to learn more about non-binary as a gender identity.

What Does Non-Binary Mean?

A non-binary person is someone who doesn’t identify as a man or woman. Instead, they might identify with one or two more gender identities, which may change over time.

Every non-binary person identifies with the term in a unique way. Non-binary people might also identify as genderfluid, androgynous, agender, bigender, or non-conforming.

How Can You Tell If You’re Non-Binary?

It can be challenging to define what non-binary means to you, especially because the term itself is so broad. For instance, the differences between non-binary, genderqueer, or genderfluid can be confusing because each term is defined similarly.

However, there are some questions you can ask yourself that can make your journey towards self-discovery much clearer.

Do you align with the sex and gender-based attributes you were assigned at birth as well as those of other sexes?
Do you feel like you are neither a man nor a woman? Do you feel like you are both?
Do you constantly change your mind about your gender identity?
Do you adhere to more than one set of pronouns?
Are you comfortable dressing in any type of clothing?

If you answered “yes” to most or all of these questions, you could be non-binary. However, only you can say who you really are.

Misconceptions About Being Non-Binary

Because being non-binary means different things to different people, there are many misconceptions about this gender identity.

You Can’t Have Other Gender Identities

You can identify as non-binary and another gender. For instance, if you are non-binary and transgender, you might undergo gender-affirming surgery to feel more “at home” with your body but still identify with other genders. Not to mention, how you relate to your body and gender can change over time.

You Can Tell Someone In Non-Binary By Appearance

There is no such thing as “looking non-binary.” While many people believe you have to dress androgynously to be non-binary, you can wear whatever you feel expresses you best. After all, cis women don’t have to wear skirts the way cis men don’t have to wear pants. The bottom line is people’s presentations are not inherently gendered.

Non-Binary People Use Only They/Them Pronouns

Non-binary people can have a variety of pronouns, especially if their gender identity frequently changes. Some non-binary people are comfortable with any pronoun, while others use only one specific set. The best way to learn someone’s pronouns is to ask them.

Non-Binary People Have A Fixed Sexual Orientation

Sexual orientation and gender identity are two different things. The former refers to what genders a person is attracted to, while the latter describes what gender you identify as. If you are non-binary, you can be attracted to many different genders.

Non-Binary People Are “Born Into The Wrong Body”

While it’s common for non-binary people to experience body dysmorphia, not all of them feel they are born into the wrong body. In most cases, non-binary people feel they are born into the wrong gender based on others’ misconceptions.

Non-Binary Is A Third Gender

Some people think you can either be male, female, or non-binary. However, it is not a third gender. In fact, it surpasses the binary entirely and can be a mix of genders. Some non-binary people might even consider themselves genderless.

How To Support Your Non-Binary Friends

Discovering that someone is non-binary doesn’t mean you have to change the way you treat them. However, self-discovery isn’t always easy – keeping these tips in mind can make others feel supported and heard.

Ask people what their pronouns are and use them correctly.
Be open to being educated.
Do not make assumptions about people’s genders according to how they act, speak, or dress.
Use someone’s preferred name – do not bring up their dead name.
Do not ask someone to explain why they are non-binary. If they are comfortable, they will share this information with you willingly.
Don’t expect to be rewarded for treating a non-binary person with respect.

The Bottom Line

The non-binary experience can be confusing, so educating yourself, unlearning assumptions, and having open discussions with others can make your journey more enriching and comfortable.

If you want to learn more about exploring your gender identity or how to treat others on the same journey, LGBTQ+ Nation has more in store for you.

Features/ Top Stories/ Transgender / Transsexual

What does it mean to be demigender?

LGBTQ Nation, Matthias Walsh June 20, 2022

Have you ever felt like you could identify with certain aspects of one gender but don’t connect to it fully? Do you feel as if you only partially identify with your gender? If you answered yes to these questions, you just might be demigender.

Read on to learn more about this gender identity, including how it differs from other identities under the non-binary umbrella.

Demigender: Meaning And Place In The LGBTQ Spectrum

You won’t find a “demigender” definition in the Merriam-Webster dictionary or Dictionary.com unfortunately. This is because “demigender” is a relatively new term that has only gained popularity over the last few years. Of course, that’s not to say that this gender identity is new or made up – we just didn’t have the words to describe this particular gender identity before.

According to Tumblr blog demigenders.com, the term “demigender” describes someone who identifies partially with one gender. It doesn’t matter how much a person identifies with a particular gender, as long as they identify with it to some capacity.

Some believe that demigender is a subset of bigender, which is defined as someone who identifies with two genders at once. However, others may argue that, while bigender people tend to feel like they are a combination of two distinct genders, some demigender people may only partially identify with one gender.

Several terms that fall under the demigender blanket, include:

Demigirl: This is someone who identifies partially as a girl or woman.
Demiboy: This is someone who identifies partially as a boy or man.
Demienby: This is someone who identifies partially as non-binary or “enby”.
Demifluid: Similar to gender-fluid people, demifluid people may feel like part of their gender identity fluctuates from one gender to another.

Understanding Sexual Orientation And Gender Identity

To better help you understand what all these terms mean, here’s a short guide to some key concepts everyone should know about. Let’s talk about the differences between sexual orientation and gender identity.

Sexual orientation describes the types of people you’re sexually attracted to (e.g. gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, etc.).
Gender identity describes your internal conception of your gender or how you perceive your maleness, femaleness, in-between-ness, or lack of gender altogether.

It’s important to note that gender and sexual orientation are independent of one another – how you perceive yourself doesn’t affect who you’re attracted to. For example, if you’re a trans man, it doesn’t automatically mean you’re attracted to women.

People who are cisgender are those whose gender identity aligns with their sex assigned at birth. Those who are trans experience a disconnect between their gender identity and their sex assigned at birth – as such, many trans people undergo different forms of transitioning to become more comfortable in their own skin.

Finally, people who are non-binary are those who don’t subscribe to the idea that there are only two options when it comes to gender. Instead of seeing gender as male or female, non-binary people experience gender as a spectrum where they can exist somewhere in the middle or even outside of it altogether.

Demigender is a gender identity that falls under the non-binary umbrella, which also includes pangender, gender-fluid, and agender people.

What Pronouns Do Demigender People Use?

There is no single set pronoun for people who identify as demigender. This is because a person’s preferred pronouns will depend entirely on what feels right for them. Thus, it’s never safe to assume someone’s pronouns based solely on their appearance or behavior.

When meeting new people, it’s always best to offer your pronouns as you introduce yourself. This lets the other person know that you’re open and receptive to hearing about their gender and that you’re conscientious enough to respect their pronouns.

How Do You Know If You’re Demigender?

So, how do you know if “demigender” is the right fit for you? You’ll have to be patient as you explore your gender identity, as it is not something that happens overnight.

Here are some signs that can help you figure out if you are demigender:

You question your gender often and feel as if you don’t fully identify with your sex assigned at birth.
You can partially identify with another gender.
You can’t relate to how your friends experience their relationships with their gender. You feel like something is “missing” and you can’t talk about how you feel without being the odd man out.
You experience gender dysphoria, a sense of distress or discomfort over the mismatch between your sex assigned at birth and your gender identity.
You find yourself searching for people like you who may not experience gender to the same degree or intensity as others.
You are always second-guessing how you feel.

What Is The Demigender Flag?

Feeling like a proud demigender person already? Get to know the ultimate symbol of demigender pride: demigender flags.

Yes, flags, plural. There is more than one demigender flag for each subset identity:

The demigirl flag, designed by Tumblr user Transrants, consists of two dark gray stripes, two light gray stripes, two pink stripes, and one white stripe in the middle.
The demiboy flag is similar to the demigirl variation, except that it has blue stripes in place of pink stripes.
The demi-nonbinary flag has yellow stripes instead of pink or blue stripes.

The Bottom Line

Demigender people feel only a partial connection to a gender. For example, demigirls may embrace some aspects of femininity while rejecting others. If this sounds like how you feel about your own gender identity, don’t worry, you’re not alone – there are plenty of people who identify as demigender out there.

If you ever need someone to talk to about your experiences as a demigender person, you can look up online groups, Instagram pages, and hashtags about demigender pride on social media.

Columns/ Perspectives/ Top Stories

How to be a better straight ally to LGBTQ people

Matthias Walsh June 20, 2022

For people who are not LGBTQ, it can be difficult to understand what being a straight ally means. Some might think that allies just need to be supporters and nothing more, but there’s actually a lot more that goes into being an ally.

In this post, we’ll break down what it means to be a straight ally and explain why they’re so important in the fight for equality.

What Is A ‘Straight Ally’? Meaning Of The Term

“Ally” describes a person who is “not a member of a marginalized or mistreated group but who expresses or gives support to that group.”

Thus, to be an LGBTQ ally – meaning someone who does not identify as LGBTQ but recognizes the unique challenges faced by members of the community – is to be a straight and/or cisgender person who speaks up for and stands with LGBTQ people against discrimination, oppression, and violence.

What Does Being A Straight Ally Entail?

According to the education organization GLSEN, there is more to being an ally than simply identifying as one. Being a fierce and proud ally, which involves taking on the responsibility to continue growing and learning about the LGBTQ community, entails a lot of hard work – especially today, as LGBTQ people continue to face pushback from conservative groups and legislators.

So, what does “straight ally” mean in the context of 2022?

It’s true that significant progress has been made toward achieving equality for LGBTQ people around the world. Today, same-sex marriage is legal in 31 countries. However, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. In many countries, it is still legal to discriminate against someone on the basis of sex and gender.

In the US, transgender and gender non-conforming people, in particular, continue to face significant discrimination in employment, medicine, and housing. Thus, they are far more likely to experience unemployment, houselessness, mental illness, substance abuse, as well as have insufficient access to gender-affirming healthcare. Today, transgender athletes are also facing bans from girls’ and women’s sports programs in 10 states.

Part of the problem that LGBTQ people face in fighting discriminatory policies and legislation is the lack of representation in the legal system. This is why it’s so important for the LGBTQ community to have straight allies in positions of power who can use their voice and privilege to help enact change.

How Can You Be A Better Straight Ally?

There is a lot of debate on what good allyship looks like. Individuals and corporations have co-opted the LGBTQ movement to lift themselves up and paint themselves as progressive to gain sympathy and bank on “pink money” or the purchasing power of the LGBTQ community.

Take, for example, the dozens of corporations that decorate their company logos with rainbows and project empty messages of equality and support come Pride month – all without doing much else for the community. Another example is celebrities who use LGBTQ imagery in their work, queerbaiting fans by hinting they could be gay without explicitly saying so, and making vague sentiments about acceptance.

Taylor Swift was famously criticized back in 2019 for her music video “You Need to Calm Down”, which features an explosion of rainbows and dozens of LGBTQ celebrity cameos. Critics have panned the video as an act of “performed allyship”. New York Times pop music critic Wesley Morris wrote of “the riot of auxiliary personalities – gay personalities – [being] in the service of her brand and persona.”

As Vox puts it, “There are two kinds of “allies”: those who lift up the queer community, and those who seem most concerned with lifting up themselves.” So, how do you become part of the former group? Here are four tips for becoming a better ally:

1. Be Curious And Open-Minded

If you already know the basic concepts of what it means to be gay, bisexual, transgender, non-binary, asexual, etc., that’s great! But you should also recognize that there is no one way to be any of those things. LGBTQ people have different experiences and perspectives, and things like class, race, sex, gender, disability, and nationality can put can compound one’s experience of discrimination and oppression.

The LGBTQ movement is also relatively new, and many people are only beginning to find the terms and concepts to describe themselves. So, always be willing to learn about new identities and experiences.

2. Learn To ‘Pass The Mic’

Or as GLSEN puts it, “speak up, not over”. As an ally, it’s important to speak up for the marginalized and oppressed, especially if people in positions of power are trying to silence them.

However, it’s also important to let LGBTQ people advocate for themselves and tell their own stories. Thus, the idea of “passing the mic” to LGBTQ people who may feel afraid to speak or who aren’t given the opportunity to do so. Uplift the voices of activists and advocates and give way to them in discussions that concern them.

3. Recognize Your Privilege

As a straight and/or cisgender person, you are inherently more privileged than someone who isn’t. That means you may not know what it means to be denied certain rights, you may have certain safety nets that others do not, and blind spots that you can’t even recognize immediately.

Understanding this allows you to better empathize with others and helps you figure out how to uplift marginalized people without centering yourself in the conversation.

4. Take Action

You can’t just identify as an ally and call it a day. Being nice to LGBTQ people is great and all, but it’s the bare minimum of allyship.

Put your privilege into action by:

Speaking up against discriminatory remarks or oppressive policies at school, work, or in social situations;
Calling out your friends for making offensive jokes, even when there are no LGBTQ people around
Showing up to protests and Pride events. Remember, there is strength in numbers.

The Bottomline

So, what does it mean to be a straight ally? It means standing up for your LGBTQ friends and family members, even when it’s not easy. It means using your privilege to help others, and speaking out against discrimination and hate. And it means being there for your queer friends, always.

If you want to be a better straight ally, start by educating yourself on the issues that affect LGBTQ people.

Features/ Health/ Top Stories

What is alterous attraction?

Matthias Walsh May 7, 2022

Contrary to the belief that many films have portrayed, attraction is not bound to romantic feelings. Instead, it can be an interest, a desire, or an affinity that’s emotional, romantic, physical, sexual, or aesthetic in nature.

With many feelings qualifying as an attraction, it comes as no surprise that it’s possible to experience more than one type of attraction simultaneously and that these desires come in spectrums rather than single points. And it’s in one of these “gray area” middle grounds where we’ll find alterous attraction.

Let’s explore its nuances to gain insight into our own feelings and understand and express ourselves better.

Alterous Attraction Definition: What Does It Mean?

To define alterous attraction, we first need to understand where the term comes from.

The term is derived from the same roots as “to alter” or “an alternative,” which all come from the Latin word “alternare,” which means “to change” or “to interchange.” Given this, we could define alterous attraction as “describing an alternative type of attraction” or, simply, “other attractions.”

The term is often used in the aromatic or asexual community. These individuals don’t experience a romantic or sexual attraction toward others and often have low to zero interest in related activities. Since romance and sex are commonly linked, alterous behavior is prevalent in both groups.

Aromantic and asexual individuals experience alterous attraction or intense feelings that cannot be categorized as a platonic or romantic attraction. Instead, their emotions land somewhere in the middle, where they want emotional closeness in a personal relationship without it being romantic or having the desire to explicitly act on or address it.

Alterous attraction can be a basis for your orientation and also exist alongside other orientations. For example, you can be heterosexual, bisexual, aromantic, or panalterous and still have an alterous orientation where you experience emotional depth not adequately described by romantic or platonic attraction.

What Do You Call Someone You Have An Alterous Attraction For?

You can use helpful terms to describe someone you have alterous feelings for. Two of the common ones are “squish” and “mesh”:

Squish: A squish is a non-romantic crush. Unlike a crush where you want something romantic to happen with someone, a squish is someone you want to have a strong, non-romantic connection with.
Mesh: Mesh is something in between crush and squish. In other words, a mesh is someone you want to have an alterous relationship with – not exactly platonic, not wholly romantic, but somewhere in between.

Both terms are used in describing alterous attractions, although mesh might be more applicable in most cases. This makes it easy for you to refer to someone you have more than platonic attraction for without struggling with the romance-related crush term.

What Does Alterous Attraction Tell Us About Love?

Alterous attraction is an important nuance in the aromanticism spectrum, as individuals with such orientation experience a different kind of romantic attraction than most of us are used to. Instead, they experience varying degrees of complex emotional desires to form an emotional relationship that goes beyond platonic connections.

Many people are used to separating platonic and romantic attraction in binary terms. But alterous attraction challenges the two confining classifications, proving that platonic and romantic love can exist together.

Our society is not bound to such amatonormative beliefs anymore, but rather, welcomes and values varying types of emotional closeness to the same degree.

The gray area captured by alterous attraction means that one can experience attraction without conforming to the norm or any cultural preconceptions and still have in-depth personal relationships. Just like how everyone often describes the color blue-green inconsistently, different people have different emotional boxes in life.

Alterous partnerships can also be somewhat of a substitute for “platonic soulmates” or “life partners,” where both individuals are attracted and attached to each other but without being wholly romantic.

Romantic Attraction Vs Alterous Attraction: How Are They Different?

Most of us crave emotional closeness. But when does that elevate to romantic attraction?

The answer may differ from one person to another. In general, however, romantic feelings often have more intense emotions, where people describe it as having nervous energy, heart-tugging pain, and butterflies in their tummy. They may also be more inclined to the stereotypical “relationship escalator” such as committing to a lifelong partnership.

Alterous attraction, on the other hand, is more relaxed, where an individual may wish that they can date someone, but also be completely fine to just spend time with them in whichever way. They want to be emotionally close to the other person, get to know them, and spend every waking moment with them, but without any expectation or need that it’ll involve dating or romance.

In other words, it’s to have the feeling that you want to date someone but also know that it’s nothing romantic, sensual, or sexual. And you won’t be heartbroken to have your feelings go unreciprocated.

How Will I Know If I’m Alterously Attracted To Someone?

The hard part about identifying this type of attraction is that it’s defined more by what it isn’t rather than what it is, and those things that “aren’t” are quite difficult to define themselves. So, the simplest way to find out if you have alterous attraction for someone is to first ask yourself the following questions:

How do you define a platonic relationship?
How do you define a romantic relationship?

As these questions might be difficult to answer, you can refer to your past or current friendships and romantic relationships to help you pinpoint your personal experience with different kinds of feelings.

Once the archetypes are clearer, answer these questions in relation to the person you have in mind:

What do you want to do with them?
What don’t you want to do with them?
Do you consider them only as your best friend?
Do you want your feelings to be reciprocated?
Do you want to have sex with them?
Do you want them to see you as a friend or a lover?

These guide questions are to give just a sense of what kind of emotional attraction you possibly feel towards others. You can also try putting “filters” on so you can see if you feel more comfortable having them as a friend or as someone romantically involved in your life.

More Than Friends, Less Than Lovers: Alterously Attracted To Each Other

Alterous attraction is a new concept for many. But it’s necessary, especially for the asexual and aromantic community. Terms like these exist to help you identify and describe your experiences, so you’re more comfortable with yourself and have an easier time explaining to others.

Moreover, even if you do feel that the term aptly describes your orientation and feelings towards others, it may take some time for you to accept it as part of your identity. That is completely normal, and you have nothing to worry about.

If they don’t serve you well, you don’t have to use them. But if they do, then you can now proudly proclaim the feelings you had towards others that were once unnamed.

Columns/ Perspectives/ Top Stories

Am I polyamorous? How to know if polyamory is right for you

Matthias Walsh April 30, 2022

If you’ve ever felt like monogamy wasn’t for you, know that you’re not alone. In a study by the Kinsey Institute, 81 percent of respondents said they fantasized about open relationships at least once in their lives. And at least one in five Americans have entered some kind of consensual non-monogamous relationship.

Polyamory – or the practice of dating multiple partners at once – has, for the most part, been on the fringes of what most people consider as “normal” dating behavior. After all, the concept of monogamy has been reinforced for time immemorial by religion, government, films, TV shows, and music. So much so that most people do assume it to be the default, normal way to have romantic relationships.

But, in recent years, more and more people have begun to recognize non-monogamy as an option that’s just as real and valid as its counterpart. Even big celebrities like Willow Smith, Nico Tortorella, and Bella Thorne have opened up about their experiences with non-monogamy and how it’s worked out for them.

But how do you actually know if polyamory is right for you? How do you answer the question “Am I polyamorous?” without even having experienced it? Here, you’ll find four important questions to ask yourself before you begin testing the waters that will, hopefully, help you gain a better understanding of the practice and whether it’s something that could work for you.

What Is Polyamory?

The word “polyamory” comes from the Greek term “poly”, which means “many”, and the Latin word “amor”, which means “love.” So, a polyamorous person could be described as someone who is capable of falling in love and maintaining romantic relationships with more than one person at a time.

Polyamory is just one type of ethical non-monogamy – an umbrella term for dating practices and relationship structures where people date or have sex with multiple people with the consent of their partners. Essentially, ethically non-monogamous relationships are diametrically opposed to monogamous relationships, which emphasize that partners stay faithful to one and only one partner at a time.

One of the biggest misconceptions about ENM is that it’s an excuse for cheating. However, there is a key distinction between the two. Cheating involves one partner entering a romantic or sexual relationship with another person without their partner’s consent. In an ethically non-monogamous relationship, however, everyone involved needs to enthusiastically consent to the dynamic – hence, the term “ethical”. It’s a dynamic that gives partners the freedom to be involved with more than one person in a way that’s mutually satisfying and enjoyable.

Am I Polyamorous Test: 4 Questions To Ask Yourself

So how do you know if polyamory is right for you? Based on what experts have said about the practice, these are some of the questions you should be asking yourself.

Take note: This isn’t exactly your typical “Am I polyamorous” quiz because there won’t be a grade or score by the end. What these questions are meant to do is help you recognize some of the signs that may be difficult to catch because of how much society normalizes monogamy. Some of these questions are also meant to prepare you for some of the more challenging realities of being in a polyamorous relationship.

1. Have you ever wrestled with commitment issues?

A lot of polyamorous people can tend to feel “trapped” in monogamous relationships, feeling like they’re being robbed of their chances to explore potential relationships with other people. So, they can end up resenting their partners and cheating.

Unfortunately, compulsory monogamy – or the idea that monogamy is the only option or the “endgame” in terms of romantic relationships – reinforces the idea that commitment issues are just something to get over, rather than a sign that perhaps monogamy isn’t the right fit for some people.

2. Have you experienced falling in love with or having crushes on multiple people at the same time?

This is perhaps the most obvious sign that you’re polyamorous. “Polyamorous people believe you can love multiple people”, says sex and relationship therapist Renee Divine. “They’re open to additional people in that way, and they want that emotional attachment. Plural love is the main focus.”

This is an important distinction to make between other types of non-monogamy because some people only seek out other partners for sexual variety. These types of people tend to have high sex drives and enjoy having different kinds of sexual relationships.

But polyamory is more than just sex – it involves emotional intimacy as well. If you don’t think you can be romantically involved with more than one person, then perhaps you’re better suited to consensual non-monogamy (like open relationships or swinger-type relationships) than polyamorous relationships.

Polyamorous people also tend to believe that one person cannot fulfill all of their needs. It’s not just about being attracted to multiple people, it’s also about acknowledging that you may have varied needs that you can’t necessarily get from just one partner – and that is okay.

3. Are you okay with the idea of your partner seeing other people?

Depending on the kind of polyamorous relationship you enter – and there are many different types – you may have to share your partner with other people. Will this feel like a betrayal to you, or do you think it’s something that you can be comfortable with?

For polyamorous people (at least those who aren’t solo poly), it’s necessary to be able to get to a place where you can be okay with or even be happy for your partner when they date other people. That feeling has a name, and it’s called “compersion”. It can be described as “the happiness in knowing your partner is happy”. For some, seeing their partners date other people can even be a turn-on.

Of course, jealousy does still happen in polyamorous relationships. Polyamorous people just learn to communicate their feelings and find the root causes of their jealousy – otherwise, it could jeopardize their relationships.

“Jealousy can be broken down to determine what your real concerns are,” says social worker Stephanie M. Sullivan. And in many instances, jealousy has less to do with your partner’s feelings and behaviors and more to do with your own insecurities. According to researchers, jealousy can stem from factors like low self-esteem, feelings of insecurity in your relationship and possessiveness, and an anxious attachment style.

4. Are you comfortable communicating your fears, insecurities, boundaries, and limitations?

While you can be drawn to polyamory even if you’re not exactly the best communicator or the best at setting boundaries, there are some important aspects for maintaining healthy and successful polyamorous relationships:

Having the ability to be open and honest about your feelings
Being emotionally available
Knowing how to set, reinforce, and respect boundaries
Knowing how to regulate your emotions

“Whatever your personal buttons are, polyamory will almost certainly push them”, Ginny Brown writes for Everyday Feminism. Because of this, it’s good to start working on your personal issues before you try polyamory.

Am I Ready For Polyamory?

Polyamory is not easy. Poly people face a lot of judgment and confusion because most of us have been raised to believe that monogamy is the one and only way to have romantic relationships. Maintaining poly relationships can also be time-consuming and emotionally taxing, considering all the variables you have to deal with.

Despite that, for some people, polyamory is the only option for a decent shot at being happy. And that shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of!