Gary "Buz" Hermes

Many of us in our 60’s or older are feeling that our community has moved on without us.  While we were stuck with having to choose between “lesbian” or “gay,” “butch” or“femme, a whole new vocabulary is evolving (and our acronym expanding!)  to describe an ever-expanding range of sexual preferences and gender identities.   Many LGBT youth have also reclaimed the umbrella term “queer” that we who lived in less-accepting times grew to hate.   Also meet-ups, websites, and on-line social media options catering to a wide range of LGBT interests have replaced the smoke-filled bars that were often our only option for socializing and dating.

Do we, as LGBT elders, continue to have a role in our community?  If so, what do we have to offer our youthful counterparts?  I am recommending an exciting forum for exploring answers to that question – the upcoming LGBTQ+ Summit scheduled for September 16^th at Sonoma State University.

The LGBTQ+ Summit is the vision of Javier Rivera-Rosales, the director of Positive Images.  With seed funding from the Community Foundations’ s LGBTQI Giving Circle Fund, Javi has put together a creative and diverse Summit planning team of individuals and agency representatives.  The team is committed to producing an innovative event that will bring together a cross-section of Sonoma County’s diverse LGBTQ+ community with the intention of stimulating an ongoing collaborative approach to building safe, welcoming, inclusive communities for LGBTQ+ individuals of all ages, races, ethnicities, sexual preferences and gender identities.

It is important that we LGBT elders make sure our voices are represented in this effort.  We have personally experienced our tumultuous history.  In our fight for equality and for compassionate treatment of those affected by HIV/AIDS we learned the importance of working together.   We also know how quickly our rights and protections can be lost if we do not maintain solidarity.  We have the skills and experience to lay a strong foundation for collaboration.  That is our collective legacy.

The planning team is making every effort to ensure that all segments of our community are represented including LGBT elders so I am encouraging my peers to seize this opportunity to contribute their rich history and wisdom in community-building that will ensure that future generations of LGBT and, yes,“Queer” individuals will not have to experience what we have. Registration is limited and will soon be open so you can  continue checking the Summit website (www.lgbtqsummit.com) to learn when.    

By the way, the planning team is seeking sponsors to provide help with funding and donated goods and services so that Summit participation can be offered at no cost.  It is also seeking volunteers.  You can do either or both at the Summit website.  Don’t miss out on this opportunity for you to contribute the legacy of our generation!

Buz Hermes is co-facilitator of the Sonoma Valley LGBT Seniors Group and a former staff member of Spectrum’s Senior Outreach Program.  He is currently a consultant on LGBT aging and can be reached at [email protected] or (707) 227-6935.

The word “radical” is often used to mean “extreme” but it also means “root”.  Being gay is the root of who I am.  All the other aspects of my personality including my elder journey revolve around that core of my being.

Some of us may remember the Radical Faeries who surfaced in the 1970’s.  This counter-culture movement emphasized the unique capacity of LGBT individuals to challenge cultural norms including traditional gender roles and definitions of relationships.  The Radical Faeries affirmed our differences and were in sharp contrast to those who sought assimilation into the mainstream culture by focusing more on our similarities with non-LGBT individuals.

Since then we seem to have found a comfortable balance, achieving equal rights such as same-sex marriage and the right to serve in the military by focusing on our similarities while still maintaining a vibrant LGBT community that celebrates its uniqueness with pride.

What are the commonalities and differences in our aging?  While we share the same concerns as non-LGBT older adults about the “unknowns” (How long will I live?  Will I maintain my health, mobility and mental acuity?  Will I need care?  Will my money last?), there are some unique additional challenges for us.  Many of us do not have the support of adult children or other family members; we might not have the same retirement assets as straight couples acquire after a lifetime together, and our long history of discrimination and harassment may have left us hesitant to now access the benefits and services we need.

So how can we LGBT elders approach our aging by focusing on our roots?  For starters, I think our long history as “cultural outsiders” gives us a unique capacity to not fall into aging stereotypes and pitfalls.  Growing up in a society with such strong gender stereotypes and sexual myths, we who have not fit those norms had to create a unique identity for ourselves.  That has better prepared us for facing the “identity crisis” that many face as aging diminishes the sense of self that is tied to cultural expectations, careers, parenting, and independence.   We can adapt to age-related changes with a deeper sense of self that is based on the root of our authentic nature, our essence.

Another strength we bring to aging is our resilience.  We’ve survived so many individual and collective struggles that our wounds have made many of us stronger.  We learned to meet challenges with courage, compassion, creativity, strength, humor, optimism and persistence, as well as an ability to develop supportive connections, so that we are now empowered to enjoy our aging with dignity and pride.  Let’s approach our aging radically by remembering our roots and experiencing and expressing even more of our uniqueness!

Buz Hermes is co-facilitator of the Sonoma Valley LGBT Seniors Group and a former staff member of Spectrum’s Senior Outreach Program.  He is currently a consultant on LGBT aging and can be reached at [email protected] or (707) 227-6935.

In my blog on resilience, I mentioned that one of the qualities that contributes to being able to adapt to unexpected change is interdependence.  Many of us who are older, and perhaps especially those of us who were raised male, have internalized our culture’s emphasis on self-reliance and competitiveness.  At an early age, we may have developed strengths that would contribute to our self-sufficiency.  We learned to hide our fears and to live silently with unmet needs in order to protect our vulnerability.

There are two reasons why it is important to examine those old habits.  First with age becomes increasing vulnerability to all kinds of physical, financial, and social challenges.  We need to form mutually supportive relationships with each other in order to meet those challenges and still maintain an acceptable quality of life.  In fact, admitting our vulnerability can lead to deeper, more fulfilling relationships with others.  I learned that not long ago when, after insisting on my independence in recovering from a series of surgeries, my poor self-care nearly cost me my life!  I realized I needed to learn how to ask for and accept help.  In the process I grew closer to those whom I finally allowed to be there for me with their compassionate care.

The other reason for letting go of our attachment to independence is that collectively we are facing a challenging time.  Rapid globalization with its concomitant expectation of acceptance of diversity and equal protections for all seems to have unleashed unpredicted resistance and resentment.  We are experiencing a reactive yearning to return to comfortable cultural roots and biases and many of our hard-won rights and freedoms may soon be compromised.   It is, perhaps, a good time to form alliances with each other and with other minorities.  Just as many Native American tribes are coming together in solidarity at Standing Rock, perhaps it is time to just keep adding more letters to our community acronym until we cover the entire alphabet and we truly do represent the rainbow that has become our symbol of inclusiveness!

The most important aspect in cultivating the bridging potential of inter-dependence is that it be a broadly shared effort.  Whether we are part of a supportive team to help each other age with dignity or part of an organization committed to protecting our collective achievements, we each lend our unique strengths while also acknowledging our limitations.  Some of us are better able to respond quickly in times of crisis while others of us are big-picture planners and still others can be depended upon to handle the details over the long haul.  Bridges are strong when the weight they carry is distributed throughout the structure.  Every component of the structure serves a unique function and is vital to the integrity of the whole.

Buz Hermes is co-facilitator of the Sonoma Valley LGBT Seniors Group and a former staff member of Spectrum’s Senior Outreach Program.  He is currently a consultant on LGBT aging and can be reached at [email protected] or (707) 227-6935.

As mentioned in an earlier blog, recent studies are showing that we LGBT seniors tend to be more resilient than our non-LGBT peers.  In learning to live with the stress of being a stigmatized minority we have increased our capacity for handling the difficult challenges of aging.  As the saying goes, our wounds have made us stronger.  That resilience may also come in handy as we prepare to face the unknowns of the recent election.  What are the qualities of that resilience?  Here are some of my ideas:

Humor:  One of the first qualities that pops up is that we have learned not only to laugh at ourselves, but we have also perfected the art of “dark humor!”  We find ways to release hurt and tension, even in sad or fearful times such as during the AIDS pandemic.  Humor can help us cope with the losses and uncertainty of our aging.

Self-Awareness:  We tend to be introspective.  While many of us as children did not have today’s diverse terminology, we knew at a very young age that we were “different” and that led us on an early path of eagerly discovering our authentic selves and finding unique ways to express our talents … a path that many non-LGBT individuals begin much later in life when traditional cultural expectations have been fulfilled.

Self-Protection:  As we were learning what made us different, we also learned how to hide those differences in order to survive an intolerant, even hostile culture.  In so doing, we developed a heightened awareness of our environment, an intuitive sense of others and strategies for avoiding uncomfortable or even dangerous situations.  This ability to preserve our well-being may help us be pro-active and creative in exploring options when difficult aging challenges arise.

Self-Nurturing:  While many of us had to overcome unhealthy behaviors that accompanied our internalized stigma, we have also learned the importance of self-care in coping with stress.  Some of us find peace and fulfillment through seeking and expressing beauty while others may nurture themselves by connecting with animals and nature or by serving others or by cultivating gratitude and a positive attitude.

Interdependence:   Last but not least, we have developed a “kinship” with each other within the LGBT community.  We have demonstrated the power and the value of standing together.  By combining our individual strengths with our compassionate caring for each other, we will meet both the challenges of our individual aging and overcome any hurdles that may await us collectively.  Now that’s resilience!!!

Buz Hermes is co-facilitator of the Sonoma Valley LGBT Seniors Group and a former staff member of Spectrum’s Senior Outreach Program.  He is currently a consultant on LGBT aging and can be reached at [email protected] or (707) 227-6935.

Seniors who do not have supportive family connections are frequently referred to as “orphan seniors.”  Many of us who are LGBT have never had children and we may be alienated from other family members.   While there are many supportive services provided by government and non-profit agencies, they cannot fulfill all the needs that can arise when a health-related crisis occurs.

Our past efforts to create non-traditional family ties are more difficult now as our peers develop their own age-related challenges.  Many of us also lost many friends during the AIDS pandemic and now we are losing friends to age-related causes.  Even if we are partnered, we may be isolated as a couple and there may come a time when one of us will be alone.  So whom can we call upon for practical and emotional support when a crisis happens?

First of all, I think we have to be prepared for the unexpected.  We might make a list of things that need regular attention in the event we are unable to carry out those tasks.  Is there a pet that would need care?  Are there bills that would need to be paid?  Is there a garden that would need regular watering?

Secondly, we might begin to think about who might fulfill those responsibilities.  This involves some creative brainstorming as we don’t want to burden just one person.  Think about neighbors, acquaintances, and connections made through shared activities such as clubs, meet-ups and walking groups.

Thirdly, we will want to make it easy for people to help us.  That means getting over our attachment to independence and learning the value of interdependence.  We need to feel as comfortable asking for help as well as we do offering it.  We also need to make our requests clear and definite and to offer options.  When someone asks “How can I help?” and we feel it is sincere, we can offer a list of concrete possibilities from something simple such as picking up an item at the store or providing a periodic phone check-in to something more involved such as a home visit or going with us to a medical appointment.

Conversely when we are called upon to support another, it is important to know our strengths and to set boundaries.  For example, some us are much better at practical support than we are at emotional support.  We need to contribute in ways that allow us to be both comfortable and effective.

Buz Hermes is co-facilitator of the Sonoma Valley LGBT Seniors Group and a former staff member of Spectrum’s Senior Outreach Program.  He is currently a consultant on LGBT aging and can be reached at [email protected] or (707) 227-6935.